Barry Huffer blog

Tuesday
A very, very angry man came in today. He turned out to be the owner of that tinpot stain on the face of mobile retailing that is Global Mobilez. The New Cashback Kings. He stormed into the shop shouting: ‘Where’s that nonce Barry Huffer?!’ It was 11am and I was having my tea and toast in the backroom, reflecting on Clumby Street’s GP figures. I heard a commotion and looked through the one-way glass in the door to see Dwayne and Mitesh dealing with a squat angry man. He had a suit on with the label still stitched into the sleeve and was waving his arms about. ‘He’s been telling my customers I’m going to do a cashback runner. I’m going to stove his face in,’ shrieked the man. ‘I’ll go and get Barry,’ said Mitesh. Cheers Mitesh…

I pulled back from the glass and Mitesh opened the door. ‘What are you doing Barry? There’s a bloke out there that wants to talk to you…’

I pulled the door of the stock cage shut. ‘I’m locking myself in until he’s gone. Get him out of here!’

Mitesh went back to the floor. There was more shouting, then silence. Dwayne appeared in the backroom.

‘Has he gone? Is he out of the store?’

‘Not exactly… He’s sitting on the floor and says he won’t leave until you come out. Now he says he just wants to talk.’ I told Dwayne I was staying in the cage, just in case the man decided he still wanted to batter me.

An hour later he was still there. But I was quite comfortable in the cage and had made good progress filling in staff review forms. The Huffer is efficient even when he’s in hiding. But Mitesh was getting irritated. ‘That man is putting customers off, Barry. You need to sort this out. You can’t live in the stock cage forever. It would be… unhygienic.’

I had to make a plan. I called a taxi firm I use occasionally. ‘Raf, it’s Barry. Are you free? I need you outside the store with the engine running. Call me when you get there.’ I got the call and made my dash for freedom. Those spinning classes have paid off. I was in Raf’s Mercedes before the squat man was off his backside: ‘DRIVE!’

The man ran up to the window and slid along the wing clawing at the door, but we pulled away. The Huffer has left the building. ‘You better get me some Turtle Wax, Barry,’ said Raf. ‘That nutter has greased up my car.’