I finally heard from Trish. She said she wanted to meet up and talk over our marital problems.
I must admit it was good to hear – I was surprised at how much I’d missed her, despite her constant babbling. And, to be fair, the thought of Trish hooked up with that Nokia Arte-using idiot didn’t sit well with The Daddy.
There was a downside, though. Trish said if we were to meet, we’d have to see an anger management specialist to address my recent problems. I reluctantly agreed.
Monotone
I didn’t warm to the councillor. She spoke in the monotone way those types always do, and she had a Motorola. I thought I was supposed to be the one with the issues. She sat us down for an introductory chat:
Councillor: ‘So tell me Tariff, what makes you angry?’
Me: ‘How long have you got? The networks poaching my customers, everything about Carphone, Phones 4u and Tesco Mobile, Orange’s new advertising campaign, unreliable Sony Ericssons, all Motorolas…’
At that point Trish butted in and said that this was ‘exactly the problem’ and that I had ‘a one-track mind, but not in the normal way’. The councillor turned back to me.
Councillor: ‘So Tariff, what’s your biggest disappointment? Aside from mobiles.’
Me: ‘Probably when Tevez left West Ham.’
I glanced at Trish and saw her going bright red. It’s a sure sign she’s about to lose the plot. She screamed: ‘That’s your biggest disappointment. What about me leaving?!’
Disappointing
I realised I’d made a mistake. ‘No, no, forget that.’ I said. ‘You leaving me was the most disappointing thing that’s ever happened to me.’
The councillor ears priced up. ‘Great! This is progress, keep going Tariff!’
Me: ‘Well, I coped at first, before I heard the news.’
Councillor: ‘That she was seeing another man?’
Me: ‘Not so much that. More that my wife had left me for a guy who uses a Nokia Arte. Honestly, how could she?’
Trish stormed out at that point. But I felt pretty good, like I’d got a few things off my chest. I probably should have done this when Tevez left as well.