Tariff Daddy Blog

When it comes to immigration, I’m a fan. The way I see it, the more people that come into the country, the more people I can sell to. We’ve got all kinds of races and creeds around Barking way, and I’m doing a cracking trade on these foreign Sims by companies like Lebara and Lyca.

I jumped on the bandwagon with the ethnic MVNOs pretty early on. It was my mate Tariq that alerted me to them. He was impressed that he could call Uncle Bhavesh in Bombay for the same price as his box-breaker mate in Brentwood.

Speaking of which, Tariq’s been making a fortune from box breaking lately. As Mobile was saying last week, the pound’s weakness against the euro and the dollar has been an absolute killer because the UK market is all about importing.  

The only ones gaining are box breakers because they are the only people exporting - nothing is made on these shores anymore.

This got me thinking. It had been a while since I got involved in any box breaking, but I decided to get back in the game. Tariq gave me a phone number for one of his contacts in Dubai, so I grabbed a Lyca Sim card from the shop and gave him a bell.

BLURRED LINE
The results were shocking. I got put on hold for ages, and far from the crisp quality Tariq had raved about, the line was absolutely terrible. Plus the bloke on the other end of the phone had such a strong accent, I couldn’t even tell if he was speaking English or not. It didn’t take long before I cut my losses and hung up. Obviously, I had a right go at Tariq.
‘That’s strange,’ he said.

‘Yeah, it was just one big noise,’ I replied.

I could almost hear the cogs turning in Tariq’s head, and suddenly the penny dropped.

‘Ah, I think I see what’s happened here. So you got put on hold for ages? The line was abysmal? And the bloke at the other end of the phone couldn’t speak any English? It can only mean one thing… I must have mistakenly given you the number for the 3 customer service department.’

Suddenly it all made sense.

It is pretty well documented that the networks are a bunch of sheep, but the worrying thing for us dealers is that they are increasingly looking to O2 to play shepherd. It doesn’t bode well for punters either, and I’ll explain why.

At Barking Mobile, we have always done a fair bit of O2 business. At the end of the day, the operator seems to appeal to customers and we get a lot of people asking specifically for O2 phones. But lately, a lot of those customers have been coming back and getting a bit shouty with us for mis-selling them. It’s a real worry because, aside from alienating what few customers we have left, Deano doesn’t take too kindly to being shouted at. Me, Rio and Tariq have already started a sweepstake on how long it’ll be before his first
GBH lawsuit as a Barking Mobile employee.

Unfortunately the customers complaining are within their rights. The fact is that we have probably started to oversell to customers since O2 brought its new commission scheme in. For those that don’t know, the new system basically means that we get no commission
up-front from O2, and instead get paid based on how much
the customer spends on his contract. It puts pressure on us to make the customer spend big. If they don’t spend big, then we don’t make much money. Simple as that.

Mis-selling
Everyone knows about Ofcom’s investigation into Phones 4u, but this is promoting mis-selling if ever I’ve seen it. It’s just that O2 are getting us to do the dirty work for them, and leaving us
to take the flak and a hit on our reputation. 

Now the rest of the sheep have started following. As Mobile revealed last week, T-Mobile has started holding back money as well, and Orange is limbering up to do just the same. It’s all hugely predictable, but still not good to hear. T-Mobile even had the cheek to say it could benefit us dealers. How ironic that the sheep are now trying to pull the wool over our eyes!

You don’t see too many computer programmers walking down Hollywood’s red carpets. But that hasn’t stopped Mark Zuckerberg from climbing up the ladder of fame.

Not long ago Zuckerberg was yet another IT geek. For those of you still in the dark, he is the bloke that started Facebook. His looks could have landed him the part of a spotty teenager in the film Superbad, but he is worth over a billion quid.

Zuckerberg’s success is down to Facebook’s surprisingly wide appeal. When he was dreaming up the blueprint for the site a few years ago, I doubt that someone like me would have been in his target demographic. Don’t let the trendy shirt fool you; at the end of the day I’m just a mobile dealer and a middle-aged Dad.

I’m sure Zuckerberg didn’t expect Facebook’s reach to extend much further than to teenage girls.

But it has. If you had told me a couple of years ago that I would be registered on a website like Facebook, I would have laughed. Yet now I’ve got far more electronic friends than real ones (over 120 since you ask). In the same way as when
mobile phones took off, Facebook’s popularity has brought about a powerful social pressure to sign up.  

It’s the future
Now Zuckerberg says that the future of Facebook is tied to mobiles. It is easy to see why; the latest figures have shown that social networking use on mobiles has shot up, and sites like Facebook are driving data usage. It is surprising that manufacturers have been so slow to latch onto the trend.

LG released a social networking handset earlier this year called the KS360. It wasn’t brilliant but I still sold loads. More recently, the INQ1 phone was launched by INQ, a new manufacturer owned by 3’s parent company, Hutchison Whampoa. I have seen it already and I have to say it looks bang on the money. Rio really liked it too, but said he might get ‘rinsed’ by the kids at school for not having a recognised brand.

The manufacturers must have woken up to social networking now, and I reckon we are about to see the big guns coming out with their own networking models any time now. Expect them to get really competitive in the new year. If I’m wrong, feel free to throw a sheep at me.  

Add Tariff as a friend on Facebook.com.

Does a 2.5% cut to VAT really make that much difference?

As far as Christmas shopping goes I’m like most blokes. Trish always has hers done and dusted by late September, but I always put mine off for as long as humanly possible. My family’s presents depend on what Argos has to offer at half five on Christmas Eve.

But when it comes to my business, it’s a different story – I can’t get Barking Mobile stocked up for the festive period quickly enough - it’s a piece of mind thing. This year, however, my forward planning has really come back to bite me in the backside, courtesy of Alistair Darling’s idiotic VAT cut.  

I’ve now got a stock room that’s full to the brim with expensive gear I’ve paid 17.5% VAT on. Yet some cowboy (the businessman equivalent of me scrabbling round Argos at the last minute) will see his poor preparation and organisation rewarded with hefty tax savings.

And to add insult to injury, Darling said he has made the move to suit small businesses. Am I missing something here?

The operators have claimed they will pass the savings on to their customers, and I believe them. At the end of the day, not passing it on will leave them shafted by a big wave of bad publicity.

But how are they going to do it? All their prices are rounded to the nearest £5, so it’s just not practical. They’ve got to be seen to be passing something on though, so it’s a problem for them too.

Bill systems
Another thing to look forward to is the inevitable hoard of complaining customers when they receive their first revised bills at the end of next month.

There’s bound to be loads of mistakes, especially on O2’s bills. Everyone knows its system is about as reliable as a promise from a politician.

But it won’t just be O2, I reckon all the networks will suffer billing problems. So wherever you work - whether it’s an operator store, Carphone, Phones 4u or for a smaller dealer, the chances are that a load of moaning customers are going to be beating down your store’s doors early next year. I hope Darling isn’t expecting too many Christmas cards this year.  

Little Deano has been a revelation. I never would have guessed that an ex-Phones 4u salesman with small man syndrome would be the antidote to my business shortcomings, but his competitive streak is just what the doctor ordered.

As soon as Phones 4u announced a deal with Sky and Virgin Media to start selling TVs bundled with cable packages, LD had already come up with a response. He was keeping us up there with the big boys.

I arrived at Barking Mobile to find him unloading boxes from a white van, which turned out to contain high-end Samsung TVs and freeview boxes. My initial concerns evaporated quickly when he informed me that he had got them for less than half the RRP by using his connections. Ask no questions and I’ll be told no lies, I thought to myself. The students will lap them up.  

Usually I hate it when staff make orders without telling me (especially after those ex-staffers bought a load of fake Nokia N95s with a grand of my money), but I decided to give LD a free rein.

The little guy was a positive influence on Rio too, inspiring him to square up to the big boys (something I’ve always preached). Rio had read in Mobile that Nokia forked out £10m on the Comes With Music advertising campaign and decided to follow its example. Spray-painting ‘Barking Mobile’ all over town was probably not the best way to go. Rio’s a bit messed up and always goes too far. I blame the parents.

Profit
Nevertheless, the business is in good shape. At a time when everyone is releasing shocking results, we are bucking the trend. Our profits are actually up year-on-year. Granted 2007 was our worst year ever for sales but it doesn’t help when you have got Cheech and Chong as your sales team. Another big plus was that the LD effect kicked in quickly. November was looking like our best month in ages.

I was pondering this turn of fortune one morning as I strolled back to Barking Mobile. The sun was shining and the sky was blue; it was impossible not to be on a high.

Back in the store, there was a message waiting for me. It was from Ofcom. They said they needed to speak to me urgently. It seems we are being investigated over mis-selling allegations. I probably should have reined LD in a bit. Oh dear.

Trish is back in my life. It’s difficult to say if it’s a blessing, but I’m certainly sick of microwave meals. Regular readers will know she walked out on me earlier this year. I predicted she’d come crawling back, although it has taken a bit longer than I expected.

Putting my ego aside for a minute, I’ll be honest and say I haven’t enjoyed single life that much – it’s been a bit lonely. Plus my favourite shirt is no longer the elegant crinkle-free bit of fabric you can see in my picture.

All things considered, I was happy to hear from her. That said, the content of her text was horrifying. It said: ‘Tariff. U up for a riot? Meet me at Westfield shopping centre 2nite.’

It wasn’t the ‘riot’ bit that concerned me. She’s never been good with predictive text; she clearly meant to type ‘pint’. The problem was that she was asking me to go to Europe’s biggest shopping centre. On a Saturday. I started to wonder if being single was so bad.  

It was horrible. Straight away an Apple store bloke trying to sell an iPhone accosted me. ‘Do you want to see me get violent?’ I asked. He didn’t hang about.

Then things got even worse. Trish text again: ‘Soz Tariff, Stacey got tickets to see Scouting For Girls 2nite so ain’t gonna make it. Can we meet 2moro?’ It was grounds for divorce.

Scouting mission

I was furious but decided to make the best of it and check out the competition. The big mobile players were there, so I was interested to see how they were lining up with their new stores.

Now, when it comes to Carphone Warehouse and Phones 4u, there’s no bias with me. I hate them both equally. But from what I saw, I’ve got to say this… the Carphone store leaves the Phones 4u one in the dark ages.
Carphone had everything out on display – big screen TVs, laptops, netbooks, sat nav, loads of live handsets, iPods. Everything. The place was buzzing. Then I walked into the Phones 4u store and saw nothing but an empty floor space and a formal seating area at the back. The brand new store already felt well past its sell by date.

The contrast was massive. It gave me the impression that Carphone is looking to the future, while Phones 4u simply hadn’t shown up… not unlike my dear wife.

It was Carphone vs Phones 4u time. Two men. One job up for grabs. Delroy (Carphone) and Deano (Phones 4u) had quit their jobs because they were proper born-to-sell salesmen who hated the fact that individual commission had largely been ditched.

They exchanged stares like they wanted to kill each other. Delroy towered above Deano, but the little guy was not afraid and stared back even more aggressively. He clearly had small-man syndrome, but everyone’s got to be motivated by something.

I gave them a little pep talk, saying: ‘Forget all this “customer is king” nonsense. There’s a credit crunch going on – your commission will be solely based on how much cash you bring in.’ Their eyes lit up. We all liked the idea of going old school.  

I decided to slip down the local and let the boys get on with it. Before I could even get my coat on, little Deano had torn off outside to street fight. I liked his 110% commitment. Delroy quickly followed, looking shell-shocked.

As I sipped my Carling I decided that I’d got wrongly caught up in this new obsession with customer service. It was time to return to the DNA of the industry: the hard sell. That’s how it was done in the glory days when everyone was making a packet.

A few pints later and I headed back to check on the boys’ progress, but I was in for a surprise. The flashing blue lights outside the store instantly let on that something had gone wrong. It then became apparent that my entire front window was smashed in, and both boys were writhing on the floor.

It turns out they’d got into a tear-up after Delroy tried to steal Deano’s customer. Little Deano saw red, wedging a Bluetooth headset in Delroy’s ear, who then picked up the little man and threw him through the glass.
 
I read in Mobile that complaints to Ofcom have halved in a year, which shows the positive way things are heading. Admittedly, I’d seen a fairly extreme episode, but it acted as a reminder that hard selling always spells trouble, which even a veteran like me can forget. I might take on little Deano though, he had something about him.

Mistakes – they happen to the best of us. Tony Blair went to Iraq, PJ (or was it Duncan?) took off his goggles while he was paintballing, and I hired Rajesh and Dave.

The last couple of weeks have been a massive stretch with me running Barking Mobile on my own, but this time around I’m determined to take my time and hire the right staff. Rio has been helping out a bit, but he’s been tied up with community service lately. He’d just got himself that new Samsung eight-megapixel camera phone and decided to test out the video quality by ‘happy slapping’ a classmate at school – selecting his victim purely based on the fact that he had a Sony Ericsson. Obviously I’m disappointed in Rio.

carphone vs phones 4u
I’d received loads of applications, especially from disgruntled Carphone and Phones 4u staff, and a few operator staff too. The networks pretty much fit their stereotypes. The T-Mobile and Vodafone lot were efficient but didn’t really stand out, the Orange guys all seemed a bit geeky and the 3 crowd were far too wacky for my liking. There’s no place for wackiness at Barking Mobile. As for the O2 lot, I wouldn’t know as none applied. Is it just me or do their staff always appear so happy that you wonder if they have been brainwashed?   

As I said, I had decided to be patient about the recruitment to avoid bringing in another Chuckle Brothers-style pairing. I agonised for a whole evening over the best way to go about it. I knew that, with times so tough at the moment, if I got the decision wrong it could spell the end of Barking Mobile. In the end I decided to take a punt on either Phones 4u or Carphone staff, who at least have experience selling all the networks.  

Now, I don’t like to self-congratulate, but the plan I eventually cooked up was a great one. I decided to get the best Carphone applicant, and the best Phones 4u one and get them both in for a week-long trial. Everyone knows how competitive they get when up against each other, allowing Barking Mobile to profit from their mutual hatred. Genius.

I slept well that night with the master plan in place. Next week, it’s on – Carphone vs Phones 4u.   

The Daddy is officially a Marks and Spencer shopper these days. That may seem like a mundane way to start a column, but it’s a bit of a statement coming from a man like me.

After all, I enjoy rubbing shoulders with the middle classes about as much as Motorola enjoys an awards ceremony, but at the end of the day, I can’t bear to shop in Tesco or Asda any more.

They really feel like the enemy now they’ve come into our mobile space and totally undercut us – even more so now that Tesco Mobile are doing contracts. The only time you’ll catch me in there from now on is when I’m taking a slash in their car park.

Microwave
Anyway, I was heading back from Marks one afternoon, having spent an arm and a leg on a posh microwave meal and a large box of Carling. I trotted back into Barking Mobile after a quick stop-off in the Tesco car park (well, it is a bit of a walk).

Straight away, Rajesh and Dave started taking the micky. Rajesh quipped: ‘Got yourself another microwave meal there Tariff? Have you actually had a proper cooked meal since your wife left you?’

It was a slightly below the belt dig, but I let it slide in the knowledge that I’m giving him a pay cut next week. Well, what with the credit crunch going on.

I replied: ‘This is not just a microwave meal, it’s a Marks and Spencer microwave meal, and you, my son, will never be able to afford to shop there… Anyway, did you muppets sell anything in my absence?’

Dave spoke up: ‘Er, well boss, we took a bit of a risk. A Chinese geezer came in selling some N96s for only £200. So we took some money out the till and bought five off him.’

I felt the anger welling up. The mugs obviously hadn’t read Mobile. It had been on the front page that week that fake N96s have already started to flood the market.

With the phone in my hand, I said: ‘This is not a Nokia N96. This is a fake N96. AND YOU’VE JUST SPENT A GRAND OF MY MONEY ON IT!’

So the long and short of it is that I’m looking for two new salesmen. Any takers? Add me as a friend on Facebook…

I love Mobile like a fat kid loves cake, so obviously I’m a big fan of the sister publication Mobile Choice as well. The Mobile Choice Consumer Awards happened last week, which are always a brilliant occasion. But if I have one criticism, it’s that their categories don’t quite cover all the bases. It would be slightly different if I had my way…

Best comeback – Motorola
2008 will be remembered as the year Motorola roared back into contention just as they kept claiming they would last year. Their brand came back to life thanks to their massive three releases: the Z10, the E8 and… errr… that other one. Any day now we’ll be hearing them say: ‘You wait until next year…’ They sound like Spurs fans.

Marketing campaign – Orange: ‘I am’
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more embarrassing, they did that urban one to get ‘down with the kids’. Horrific. They might as well have just gathered the countless millions they spent and equally distributed it among their competitors.

Most long overdue investigation – Ofcom looking into Phones 4u
Phones 4u? Mis-selling? Surely not.

Money for old rope – Apple iPhone 3G
Whoever said you can’t polish a turd is clearly wrong, because Steve Jobs has done it and made a mint. The original iPhone was rubbish, and pretty much all they did was add 3G – which all phones should have now – and people are queuing round the block for it. Mugs.

Best company spin – The Carphone ‘pay rise’
They promised this big pay rise for ages and staff were ready to kick off if they didn’t get it. But all they did was increase the basic wage and remove commission, giving a bit, taking a bit - and leaving staff exactly where they started. It’s the only pay rise I’ve ever seen that doesn’t involve a rise in pay. Alistair Campbell couldn’t have spun it better!

Most ‘consistent’ manufacturer – Sony Ericsson
Oh look, it’s another mid-range Walkman phone… how do they come up with these ideas?

So there you go – a real reflection of the past 12 months. Facebook me if there’s anything you think I’ve missed out…