Thursday
After the mystery shopping fiasco, when a drunk Student Craig talked total cobblers to a customer and called him a ‘numpty timewaster’ on video, under area manager Aidan’s orders, I had just two things on my to-do list today:
• Sack Student Craig
• Save my career in mobile retail
I called up Leslie Girling, our HR director, and asked for advice. Sacking people is an important part of being a manager in retail and I wanted to make sure I did it to the highest standards. The higher up the greasy pole you go in management, the more people you get to sack so it’s a core skill. Leslie was in a meeting and could only offer the following: ‘Make it gross misconduct, take his ID and don’t balls it up and land us in a tribunal.’
Student Craig rolled in at 10am: ‘Craig, I need to see you in my office.’
He stomped in and slumped in the chair. I showed him the video of him being drunk and useless with the mystery shopper. I told him he was out of order and it was my solemn duty to dismiss him from Clumby Street on grounds of gross misconduct.
‘What? I’ve done nothing wrong. This is outrageous.’
I told him Aidan had demanded he go.
‘Oh that’s typical of you, Barry. You don’t even have the nuts to take responsibility. “I was only following orders. Aidan made me do it”. Pathetic.’
I don’t like it when Craig does impressions of me. I calmly explained that he was drunk and rude to a customer. This was grounds for dismissal.
‘And who made me drink a bottle and a half of Asti Spumante, Barry? I think we all know the answer to that, don’t we?’
Student Craig clenched his fists and went purple: ‘And you made me dress up as a giant dongle! You humiliated me! You drugged me with alcohol against my will. And you forced me to sell more things to make more money for the company. And you put me under pressure! You pressurised me, Barry! Barry Huffer YOU ARE A BULLY AND I WILL DO YOU AND THE COMPANY IN A TRIBUNAL!’
Then he stormed out, clattering past the accessory rack, shouting, ‘I WANT COMPENSATION!’
Team Huffer looked a bit sullen. I filed a report to HR.